My Story in a Poem

pic for website

When did I start to deprive myself?
Starve my body and destroy my health.
What was I even trying to do?
I don’t think I had a clue.
In the past I felt frightened and wrong,
And I didn’t feel like I belong.
Belong anywhere, home or school,
I just felt like one big fool.
Anything I did was never “right”
And I believed this day and night.
I turned to food for comfort and love,
Hurting and abusing my body glove.
I was teased for being ugly and fat,
So I starved myself and began to eat like a rat.
Little by little I became thinner and thinner,
And this was what made me feel like a winner.
A winner at something that I could achieve,
“I’m important now” is what I started to believe.
I created a life where I lived by rules,
Thinking this was really cool.
I was now the star of the show,
But feeling scared deep below.
At first being thin was really great,
But then it became a big debate.
A debate and battle inside my head,
Do I want to live or be dead.
My weight dropped down to 80 pounds,
And my life became one big frown.
I was frightened to eat anything at all,
I thought if I did I would be as big as a ball.
At age 15 I entered my first hospital,
Hating myself and feeling life was impossible.
They told me that I needed to gain weight to leave,
It was now time for me to grieve.
Grieve the loss of being a winner,
Letting go of trying to be thinner and thinner.
So I started to eat again,
And food became my best friend.
I began to binge and eat a lot,
just like after I smoked some pot.
Everyone was proud of me for gaining weight,
And I chose to buy into their bait.
Instilling the fear that if I didn’t eat I wouldn’t be free,
And I didn’t get to choose what was real for me.
Three months later I gained the weight,
They set me free and unlocked the gate.
Back into the world is where I went,
Not knowing where to pitch my tent.
Living in so much fear and confusion,
In a world where I felt I would always lose in.
Little by little I started eating less and less,
And my life again became one big mess.
Focusing all of my attention on losing weight,
This was all that I wanted to create.
Create a life where I could win,
And I could do this if I was thin.
Something that I was proud of myself for,
Became a life where I hid behind closed doors.
Locked in a prison of food and weight,
Consuming myself with anger and hate.
Living my life in a constant debate,
Bargaining with myself whenever I ate.
If I ate anything I would exercise for hours,
This was what I thought gave me power.
Power to avoid what I felt,
Avoid the life that I was dealt.
I was fearful of others and being in the world,
Believing that I was a really bad girl.
I put up the walls and said “leave me alone,
I just want to be as thin as a bone.
Then everything will be okay,
I am safe as long as I keep others at bay.
Why does everyone hurt and abuse me?
Can’t they just leave me alone and let me be?”
I was told “don’t do this and don’t do that,
And no one will love you if you are fat.”
As long as the scale continued to go down,
I would smile instead of frown.
But if it went up, even a little,
I thought I would fall apart and become very brittle.
But I really wasn’t living at all,
I was living in a prison between two walls.
Eating the same foods at the same time everyday,
And never allowing myself to play.
Constantly moving so I wouldn’t get fat,
fearing my body would grow if I sat.
If i sat still for even a minute,
I would criticize myself bit by bit.
Fearing and sensing panic in me,
Fat was all that I could see.
Eating and exercising was all I did,
This was how I ran and hid.
Ran from my feelings and hid from the world,
I really didn’t like my body or being a girl.
I blamed my feelings on my body,
And Having them made me feel very naughty.
I didn’t want to grow up, I didn’t know how,
I didn’t want to face life in the now.
It seemed so hard to get through the day,
If I was eating or exercising I would be okay.
Otherwise I felt horrible, that I couldn’t do anything “right”
So I held onto losing weight very tight.
Living on earth wasn’t really fun,
It felt better to hide and be numb.
But I really didn’t like living like that either,
I just wanted to be my own leader.
Lead my life the way I wanted it to be,
Listening to my heart and what was true for me.
I was consumed with food and weight for a very long time,
And letting go felt like I was committing a crime.
I was in and out of hospitals for 23 years,
And living my life in constant fear.
Fear of the world and fear of myself,
Not even wanting to take care of my health.
Thinking all of my problems would go away,
If I ate and exercised every minute of the day.
This never happened and I’m now 42,
But today I’m waking up and experiencing something new.
Clearing away the beliefs that I held in the past,
The beliefs that told me I deserved to be last.
The beliefs that told me that I wasn’t okay,
The beliefs made me suffer instead of play.
It’s okay to put myself first,
It’s okay to acknowledge my thirst.
My thirst for happiness, peace and love,
Which is already inside of my body glove.
I’m letting go of things standing in the way,
Allowing myself the opportunity to play.
Connect to the Divine wisdom within,
Allowing my new life to now begin.
Change happens little by little,
And I could choose front, end or middle.
But it really doesn’t matter where I stand,
What matters is that I say YES I CAN!
YES I CAN live happy and free,
YES I CAN be who I was created to be.
YES I CAN let go of controlling food and weight,
YES I CAN let go of the old debate.
The debate of giving up what I know,
The debate of allowing myself to enjoy the show.
YES I CAN listen to my inner wisdom,
YES I CAN live in freedom and not a prison.
YES I CAN eat to live,
YES I CAN truly forgive.
Forgive myself for listening to fear,
Forgive myself for not allowing my tears.
I was sad and that’s okay,
I don’t need to keep my feelings at bay.
YES I CAN feel them fully,
My feelings are my friends and not some bully.
I don’t need to be scared anymore,
Or feel like life is one big chore.
Each day I get to learn something new,
There are many opportunities, not just a few.
My vision is clearer, it’s now expanding,
In the LOVE is where I’m landing.
Love for myself, my body and life,
I’m letting go of struggle and strife.
I have the opportunity to begin again,
To learn how to be my own best friend.
To take good loving care of myself,
And honor all of my god given wealth.
The wealth of love that lives in me,
Is now helping me to clearly see.
See and create a life filled with love
Living in Heaven on earth just like above.
I’m grateful for the path the I have walked,
Even when I felt tied in a knot.
Through my experiences I get stronger and stronger,
And my days of happiness are longer and longer.
Today I’m choosing love and peace,
Seeing life as a tasty feast.
Tasting and experiencing all my emotions,
Moving with nature like the waves in the ocean.
I’m grateful for all of my teachers and the love of God,
Who have helped me to see clearly and remove the fog.
The fog of confusion, the fog of illusion,
Seeing through the eyes of LOVE is now what I’m choosing.
I can see and feel the truth in me,
I am happy, joyous, loving and free.
Free to live authentically,
Free to love and be gentle with me.
Free to eat in a healthy way,
Free to dance, sing and play.
Free to experience life to the full,
Free to shine like a beautiful jewel.
I’m a divine being of LOVE and LIGHT,
Shinning as bright as the stars at night.
Assisting others to experience their own loving,
By being compassionate, kind and caring.
We all deserve love and joy,
Every man, woman, girl and boy.
I am love and you are too,
There’s so much beauty in me and you.
Take some time and turn within,
And allow the richness of a beautiful life to begin.
We all deserve to be happy and free,
To relax, enjoy and live authentically.

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